7 reasons not to mess with a child
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * *
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I’m drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
* * *
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
They break and scatter your tongue without mercy. But once you learn them you can become some kind of king of the meetings.
While we were walking, we were watching window washers wash Washington’s windows with warm washing water.
A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood.Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter’s bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
That would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
Better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,
And the batter was not bitter.
So ’twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Pope Sixtus VI’s six texts.
Here comes the sequel, creme de la creme from the English Forum. Sit back, sip and enjoy.
A man went to his boss’ costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I’m a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all
you’ve got is that naked woman on your back?"
"You’ve got it wrong," the man replied. "That’s Michelle."
by buh
*****
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can’t find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn’t say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!
by Milky
*****
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
- I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your corn on the cob the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!
THEN POOF!....she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
- Fred, where are you?
- I’m over here, in the Pussywillows.
- DON’T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON’T SWING!!
by wilczur
*****
An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen
and walked out with $72.
The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only
received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than
the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
turned around and said,
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
by strzelec
*****
One day, George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he couldn’t help but notice a very tall striking man standing on his own in the departure lounge. The man was wearing a long flowing white robe, and had a long flowing white beard, flowing white hair, a staff in one hand and some stone tablets in the other.
GWB was so sure he knew who he was that he felt he had to say something to him. So GWB approached him and asked, "You’re Moses, aren’t you."
The man just stared at the ground and totally ignored GWB.
GWB wasn’t going to give up on this, so he stood right in front of the man and again asked, this time more loudly, " You’re Moses, aren’t you."
The man continued to stare at the floor.
GWB was having none of this. He grabbed hold of the man’s arm and asked once again, " You’re Moses, aren’t you."
At last the man looked up and answered, "Yes, I am Moses".
GWB then asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yes, I know who you are. That’s why I tried to ignore you. The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert".
by lennox
*****
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is ...
...
...
...
MOLASSES
by estaban
*****
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain’t from around here, are ya....... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I’m from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th’ hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I’m a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th’ hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!"
by Milky
*****
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around
the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey,
Bill, do me a favor, will ’ya? Follow that guy and see where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn’t ever come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he
left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
by Reszka
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